I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray.
Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears,
And I am thankful love is spoken here.
Mine is a home where ev’ry hour is blessed by the strength of priesthood pow’r,
With father and mother leading the way,
Teaching me how to trust and obey;
And the things they teach are crystal clear,
For love is spoken here.
I can often feel the Savior near
When love is spoken here.
-Love is Spoken Here, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Primary Hymn Book
I started out attempting to write an entry about an amazing experience from this morning, but as I began to type, a very special song from my childhood popped up in iTunes. Just after the song ended, a conversation with an amazing friend got me thinking about hopes and dreams. I sat and pondered the future, and "where do I want to go," replaced "what am I going to do along the way," which in turn, changed the direction of my entry. Sure, my adventures will be amazing, and will shape the person I want to become, but what is one of the goals I'm working toward? This is where that very special song comes into play.
"Love is Spoken Here" was always one of my favorite songs when I was in Primary. Growing up, I had two families. One LDS, one non LDS. I had different experiences within each family, both good and bad, that helped to make me the person I am today. In my LDS family, the clashing schedules of each of my brothers, my father, my step mother and myself were enough for any family to say "there's just not time for things like Family Home Evening, Sunday Dinner, family prayer, and things of that nature." My step mother was always sure to make that happen for us. She made it a priority to prepare a meal to appeal to all the varying degrees of tastes of my family members. She made sure we had Family Home Evening once a week, even if we had to combine it with Sunday Dinner. I have memories of playing Mexican Train Dominoes, scripture study, laughing and teasing with my brothers, discussing my day with my parents, and many humble moments, both amusing and spiritual. It's now that I realize that, as a culmination of my experiences as a child, I have a testimony of the importance of Family Home Evening and Sunday Dinner, and it's profound impact on a family. Even if we were too busy to gather during the week, Sunday Dinner was always a time where we could catch up, discuss our trials and triumphs, and just simply grow as a family. I am thankful for these moments, even if I wasn't always too pleased with them in the past. ;)
In my non LDS family, fun was the name of the game. My five brothers and sisters and I created and played many games. Being of varying ages, we all had our different takes on what "fun" could be. We played all sorts of games; hide and go seek (with every child in a quarter mile radius, I might add!) slip and slide, throw stuff off the balcony (that was a favorite!) and every board and video game we could get our hands on. We ran like a pack. We had our issues, as every family did, especially blended families. Some days it would be Foremans vs. Salas', but, for the most part, at the end of the day the feud was over and we were all friends again. I love my brothers and sisters, and I appreciate them for teaching me the value of fun. My mom worked hard to care for all of us, so she wasn't around much in my adolescent/teenage years, but I appreciate the sacrifices she made to support our family. Even though we weren't the closest when I was going through my adolescence, now is our time, and I'm looking forward to our future adventures and the memories we will create.
Getting back to my original reason for posting - my goals. When I hear that song, I think about the example I want to set for my future little ones. I think about what I want to do to help shape those little ones hearts and minds, to make them the wondrous people I am given the honor to care for.
Simply put, I will be married in the Temple someday. I want an Eternal Family.
I can remember countless lessons in Young Women's admonishing us about unsavory activities, relationships, and actions, and how they tarnish our souls. I was a prideful child, and thought I would never be in that position, and if I was, I would resist and be just fine. I was wrong. I lost hold of the rod seven years ago and thought, "That's it. I'm gone. I'll never make it back. Game over." I wrote off temple marriage as a pipe dream, something I'd never have. Countless times I'd regretfully open my scriptures to the last few pages before the back cover and, with a heavy heart, read over my Patriarchal Blessing, and see where I could be if only I had followed the commandments, listened to the Holy Spirit to keep me strong in the face of temptation, and relied on my Savior to help shoulder my burdens. Eventually the shame was so much, I stopped opening my scriptures. Soon after, I stopped praying. The Holy Spirit was gone. I was all alone.
The journey back has not been an easy one, but I'm getting there. I'm taking the appropriate steps to ensure that someday, I will be worthy to enter through those hallowed doors, hand in hand with my future Eternal Companion. Oh, the adventures to come are much more inspiring than ever before.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Once upon a time, not long ago...
Wendy Darling: My unfulfilled ambition is to write a great novel in three parts about my adventures.
Aunt Millicent: What adventures?
Wendy Darling: I've yet to have them, but they will be perfectly thrilling.
Well, I can't say that it is my great ambition is to write a novel in three parts about my adventures, but it certainly is time to begin recording them. My adventures began the day I ended my old life and started my new one. I can't recall the exact date, but it was a bright, pleasant day in October. The sun was shining warm and bright, the billowy clouds drifted across the powder blue sky. The placid serenity was, sadly, not echoed in my soul. I gazed upon the wafting clouds and pondered.. "What am I doing? Where am I going? When did I veer so far off track and get to this point?" Things in my life were less than ideal. It seemed my life was made up of tendrils of Devil's Snare - (yes, I did just make a Harry Potter reference.) one tendril being the lackluster relationship I was entangled in, another tendril my career choice, with it's baffling standards for children and pointless edicts being handed down regarding my approach to the tasks at hand (the only high point being the smiles on my wonderful students faces and the encouragement of a few sincere friends.) The following tendril being the absence of scriptures, prayer, church meetings and, the Holy Ghost in my life, bringing with it the influence of less than wholesome activities and their sway on me.
As I look up into the clear blue sky, tears began to slide down my face. I chastised myself; "Where did the last 7 years go? Where did I GO the last 7 years? What in the world have I been doing?" I sent up a silent prayer, something I hadn't done in a very long while. I didn't know exactly how to get back on the right path, but I knew how to begin. I drove. The 15 minute ride seemed like hours crawling by, but I knew it had to be done. I crept into the house I shared with my (then) fiance and his family, and tearfully began to round up my personal belongings. I picked up a large box and began depositing my worldly belongings. Picture frame, yes. Cat toys, no. Clothing, yes. Jewelry, yes. Books, no. The process went on in this fashion for another 30 minutes, all the while my sweet, curious kitten Jasper loitering around the edge of the box, cocking his head to the side as if to say "What are you doing mama?"
The boxes containing my accouterments were stacked thoughtfully in the back of my truck; it was time for a final sweep of the room. As I looked dejectedly across my former living quarters, I felt a gentle push on my hand. Turning to the side, I was met by the wide, inquisitive, green eyes of my kitten Jasper. He mischievously nipped at my fingers, his favorite game to play. I slumped down to my bed, and scooped him up to say my final goodbyes. The emotions that rocked my soul came as a surprise - why was I having so much more intense feelings of sadness and loss in regards to this kitten than the person I spent 7 years building a life with? As distressed as I was, I knew I was on the right path. I gave Jasper one last scratch behind the ears, a feline greenie (his favorite treat) and slipped out of the house, just as quietly as I had slipped in 7 years prior.
The remainder of the day was spent wringing my hands while listening to comforting and encouraging words from family members. "You're doing the right thing, here." "This is for the best." "There are other fish in the sea." "We're here for you Nick - don't forget that." My mom did her best to alleviate my apprehension by reminding me of all the doors to new adventures that would soon be open to me.
The time finally came - to take the final step and escape the windy tendril of the Devil's Snare that was the relationship I was entrapped in. The ring was returned, words were exchanged (not all of them pleasant) and ways were parted. And I was free to heal, and start on my new adventures.
Aunt Millicent: What adventures?
Wendy Darling: I've yet to have them, but they will be perfectly thrilling.
Well, I can't say that it is my great ambition is to write a novel in three parts about my adventures, but it certainly is time to begin recording them. My adventures began the day I ended my old life and started my new one. I can't recall the exact date, but it was a bright, pleasant day in October. The sun was shining warm and bright, the billowy clouds drifted across the powder blue sky. The placid serenity was, sadly, not echoed in my soul. I gazed upon the wafting clouds and pondered.. "What am I doing? Where am I going? When did I veer so far off track and get to this point?" Things in my life were less than ideal. It seemed my life was made up of tendrils of Devil's Snare - (yes, I did just make a Harry Potter reference.) one tendril being the lackluster relationship I was entangled in, another tendril my career choice, with it's baffling standards for children and pointless edicts being handed down regarding my approach to the tasks at hand (the only high point being the smiles on my wonderful students faces and the encouragement of a few sincere friends.) The following tendril being the absence of scriptures, prayer, church meetings and, the Holy Ghost in my life, bringing with it the influence of less than wholesome activities and their sway on me.
As I look up into the clear blue sky, tears began to slide down my face. I chastised myself; "Where did the last 7 years go? Where did I GO the last 7 years? What in the world have I been doing?" I sent up a silent prayer, something I hadn't done in a very long while. I didn't know exactly how to get back on the right path, but I knew how to begin. I drove. The 15 minute ride seemed like hours crawling by, but I knew it had to be done. I crept into the house I shared with my (then) fiance and his family, and tearfully began to round up my personal belongings. I picked up a large box and began depositing my worldly belongings. Picture frame, yes. Cat toys, no. Clothing, yes. Jewelry, yes. Books, no. The process went on in this fashion for another 30 minutes, all the while my sweet, curious kitten Jasper loitering around the edge of the box, cocking his head to the side as if to say "What are you doing mama?"
The boxes containing my accouterments were stacked thoughtfully in the back of my truck; it was time for a final sweep of the room. As I looked dejectedly across my former living quarters, I felt a gentle push on my hand. Turning to the side, I was met by the wide, inquisitive, green eyes of my kitten Jasper. He mischievously nipped at my fingers, his favorite game to play. I slumped down to my bed, and scooped him up to say my final goodbyes. The emotions that rocked my soul came as a surprise - why was I having so much more intense feelings of sadness and loss in regards to this kitten than the person I spent 7 years building a life with? As distressed as I was, I knew I was on the right path. I gave Jasper one last scratch behind the ears, a feline greenie (his favorite treat) and slipped out of the house, just as quietly as I had slipped in 7 years prior.
The remainder of the day was spent wringing my hands while listening to comforting and encouraging words from family members. "You're doing the right thing, here." "This is for the best." "There are other fish in the sea." "We're here for you Nick - don't forget that." My mom did her best to alleviate my apprehension by reminding me of all the doors to new adventures that would soon be open to me.
The time finally came - to take the final step and escape the windy tendril of the Devil's Snare that was the relationship I was entrapped in. The ring was returned, words were exchanged (not all of them pleasant) and ways were parted. And I was free to heal, and start on my new adventures.
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