The New Home (and Look!) Of "A Little Bit of Pixie Dust"

New life, new name, new email, new blog url!

If you're interested in following along with the adventures of the newest Meldrums, click on over to

nickimeldrum.blogspot.com

:)

Thanks friends :)
Nicki :)

Hope.

Why is it so easy to have hope, until you really need to have hope? Maybe I should clarify on that one. When things are going well, you're living the gospel, following the commandments, and everything is going swimmingly, it seems to be easier to have hope. You feel like, "I'm doing my part, now everything could go well for me." It often does. You could be blessed with an awesome job, great friends, and amazing boyfriend - things just tend to go right. Hope is easy to have. You hope for marriage, family, continued blessings from Heavenly Father, and it seems that those things will happen, that it's just around the corner. Not sure how far the corner is, but there's the hope also, that the corner isn't far away. But then something happens and things go downhill. Hope seems harder to have. Ideals may be compromised, or things just seem to not be going right, and you feel almost like you aren't able to have hope. I'm sure that's Satan having a field day with your emotions and feelings, but it's hard to not feel like hope isn't something you can have. I didn't realize I was in that state of mind until last night, when the opinions of someone who I think very highly of called me out. It was called to my attention that I didn't have any hope. This person said to me, that not having hope is like not trusting in Heavenly Father, not trusting that he will work it all out. He has a reason for everything. We may not know the reason, but there is always a reason.
My hope was gone. I expressed worry that I would lose my job, financial aid (and schooling) and apartment. That my knee wouldn't heal. That the one I love didn't love me anymore. All the fears I'd pushed away for faith in hope had come right out from under the rug I'd put them under. I didn't have these fears, because hope took their place. I hoped that work and school would continue to go well. That love would be enough and everything would go well. That my faith in Heavenly Father and his love would make these things possible. Every thing on this list was not decided on lightly, each were taken into prayerful consideration. I know that these are all of the things I should include in my life. Somewhere along the line, I started forgetting to do the things I should be doing. "As we strive to live the gospel, we grow in our ability to "abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost" (Romans 15:13)." I was living the gospel. I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, remembering to do the things I should be doing, like paying attention in church and allowing the Spirit to teach me. Somewhere along the way, things got jumbled. Priorities were shifted. Scripture study was happening less and less. Prayers were being said in the car, but not morning and night. Church activities were and are a thing of the past, since school now takes up the time once allotted for that. Church was being faithfully attended, but lessons from the Spirit were becoming sketchy.
The first Sunday of this month, The Spirit was especially strong with me in church. As I sat in Sacrament Meeting, my palms began to sweat. My heart began to beat harder. My chest tightened, as I felt the familiar prompting of the Spirit to get up and say SOMETHING. I sat and thought, "Oh, I know that feeling.... I used to be guided by that feeling on a daily basis. I'm glad it's back. But what to say? What needs to be said?" I still didn't know, but before I knew it, I rose to bear my testimony. I walked to the podium, realizing that it was my first Testimony borne in church since I'd returned to the standards and life I once loved. I forewarned my Brothers and Sisters as I arrived at the stand, that I had no idea what to say, but the Spirit would be letting me know what to say. From there, I let the Spirit tell me what to say. I bore testimony of the Atonement and repentance and my thankfulness for it. Heavenly Father is always there, arms open and waiting for us to come and ask for help, all we need to do is say the word. I don't quite remember everything I said, but I knew it to be true. I know that I felt the Spirit strong in my heart. Hope was present.
Now why is hope so difficult to have when it's most needed? When things look their bleakest, why is it so hard to have hope that they'll get better? These are most often the times where Heavenly Father is teaching us something, maybe to have hope? I'm supposed to learn something from all of this. Maybe to slow down and remember my baptismal covenants? Maybe to rearrange my priorities and make more time for my life? Maybe to have hope in the face of adversity? I'm not quite sure right now, but I hope I'll know soon. Heh. Hope. Shining when it's most needed.

"I Never Said it Would be Easy, I Only Said it Would Be Worth It."

Today I realized something. This was not a subtle realization. This was not even a sudden awareness. This was a full blown sucker punch to the stomach, double over in pain epiphany.

Joanie and I enjoyed a wonderful day together today. We ran errands, hung out, did fun sister things. We caught up on the goings-on in each of our lives. Her calling, my boyfriend, her cat, my job, our family, etcetera. On our way back from our last errand, we came through Oakland. "Ooh, sissy, can we stop by the Temple?" I inquired with a loud note of excitement trilling in my voice. "Do you even have to ask?" she replied with a smile. Excellent. I always love to see the Temple. Every problem, issue, task, minor annoyance or thought just drifts away. We came through the gates of the Temple and I inhaled quickly to catch my breath. The very sight of the Temple always takes my breath away. Sissy parked the car and I jumped out excitedly. We pulled on our sweaters and coats to protect against the chilly Spring breeze, then took in the amazing view of the Bay. Sissy couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of the horizon. We entered the Visitor's Center with smiles on our faces and were greeted by the Sister Missionaries. We chatted for a few minutes, then were invited to see the new Book of Mormon paintings on display. I can't describe how the scriptures came alive looking at those paintings. It was really quite amazing.

Joanie and I took our time wandering around the Visitor's Center, enjoying the calming presence of the Spirit. We scrolled through pictures of the Temple's of the world and swapped Temple stories. We made plans to visit Temples in the surrounding area. Next we strolled over to the photos of the interior of the Temple Rooms. I felt the Spirit touch my heart as I looked at each photo, the Spirit getting stronger as I moved from one picture to the next. I stopped at the photo of the Celestial Room. I couldn't help but think about Temple Ordinances. My heart made a wish that I care not to share. The Spirit reassured me in that moment. The feeling was like a hug, just for my heart. With the thought still on my mind, Joanie and I left the Visitor's Center to go to the Terrace.

The cool breeze swept our hair up as we pushed open the doors of the Visitor's Center and strolled over to the Temple, continuing our conversation. Our exchange quickly moved in the direction of my thoughts from inside the Visitor's Center. We discussed Temple Ordinances. I didn't say much, only listened, and she said exactly what I needed to hear - which reaffirmed my unwavering desire to enter he Temple and take part in these Sacred Ordinances. After our talk, I couldn't help but dwell on my standing in the church, and how I came to that point.

My repentance process is going well. Slowly but surely, I'm making things right, I prayed to Heavenly Father for a very long time, with a broken heart to "blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." (Psalms 51:1-2) and I know that I've been forgiven for my transgressions. I felt the pain for those sins wash away. I feel to this day as though I was in an unbearable night terror, and now I lie awake thanking my Heavenly Father that it's over, counting my blessings that it was just a nightmare.

As we drove back toward Hayward, I felt the tumult rise in my thoughts. The feeling intensified as I searched my mind to find the source of this odd sensation. I felt the Spirit in my heart, but something was off. I knew the feelings went together, but I wan't quite sure how. Then it hit me. That sucker punch feeling made my stomach churn and my head ache. I may have repented for my sins and felt the agony for putting my dear Savior through the pain for those awful decisions I made, but I'm not yet whole. The consequences of those actions are now upon me. I can not yet enter into the Holy Temple. I cannot yet receive my Endowment. Heavenly Father is giving me this "cooling off period" before being able take part in these Sacred Ordinances for a special reason. I have lessons to learn still. I know for sure that once the day I am able to enter the Temple with my head held high, my sins "as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18) I will appreciate it that much more for how hard I am working for it now. "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?" (Alma 5:14) I will be able to answer Alma's call to action with a resounding "YES."

Walk tall, you're a daughter, a child of God

I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray.
Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears,
And I am thankful love is spoken here.

Mine is a home where ev’ry hour is blessed by the strength of priesthood pow’r,
With father and mother leading the way,
Teaching me how to trust and obey;
And the things they teach are crystal clear,
For love is spoken here.

I can often feel the Savior near
When love is spoken here.

-Love is Spoken Here, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Primary Hymn Book

I started out attempting to write an entry about an amazing experience from this morning, but as I began to type, a very special song from my childhood popped up in iTunes. Just after the song ended, a conversation with an amazing friend got me thinking about hopes and dreams. I sat and pondered the future, and "where do I want to go," replaced "what am I going to do along the way," which in turn, changed the direction of my entry. Sure, my adventures will be amazing, and will shape the person I want to become, but what is one of the goals I'm working toward? This is where that very special song comes into play.

"Love is Spoken Here" was always one of my favorite songs when I was in Primary. Growing up, I had two families. One LDS, one non LDS. I had different experiences within each family, both good and bad, that helped to make me the person I am today. In my LDS family, the clashing schedules of each of my brothers, my father, my step mother and myself were enough for any family to say "there's just not time for things like Family Home Evening, Sunday Dinner, family prayer, and things of that nature." My step mother was always sure to make that happen for us. She made it a priority to prepare a meal to appeal to all the varying degrees of tastes of my family members. She made sure we had Family Home Evening once a week, even if we had to combine it with Sunday Dinner. I have memories of playing Mexican Train Dominoes, scripture study, laughing and teasing with my brothers, discussing my day with my parents, and many humble moments, both amusing and spiritual. It's now that I realize that, as a culmination of my experiences as a child, I have a testimony of the importance of Family Home Evening and Sunday Dinner, and it's profound impact on a family. Even if we were too busy to gather during the week, Sunday Dinner was always a time where we could catch up, discuss our trials and triumphs, and just simply grow as a family. I am thankful for these moments, even if I wasn't always too pleased with them in the past. ;)

In my non LDS family, fun was the name of the game. My five brothers and sisters and I created and played many games. Being of varying ages, we all had our different takes on what "fun" could be. We played all sorts of games; hide and go seek (with every child in a quarter mile radius, I might add!) slip and slide, throw stuff off the balcony (that was a favorite!) and every board and video game we could get our hands on. We ran like a pack. We had our issues, as every family did, especially blended families. Some days it would be Foremans vs. Salas', but, for the most part, at the end of the day the feud was over and we were all friends again. I love my brothers and sisters, and I appreciate them for teaching me the value of fun. My mom worked hard to care for all of us, so she wasn't around much in my adolescent/teenage years, but I appreciate the sacrifices she made to support our family. Even though we weren't the closest when I was going through my adolescence, now is our time, and I'm looking forward to our future adventures and the memories we will create.

Getting back to my original reason for posting - my goals. When I hear that song, I think about the example I want to set for my future little ones. I think about what I want to do to help shape those little ones hearts and minds, to make them the wondrous people I am given the honor to care for.

Simply put, I will be married in the Temple someday. I want an Eternal Family.

I can remember countless lessons in Young Women's admonishing us about unsavory activities, relationships, and actions, and how they tarnish our souls. I was a prideful child, and thought I would never be in that position, and if I was, I would resist and be just fine. I was wrong. I lost hold of the rod seven years ago and thought, "That's it. I'm gone. I'll never make it back. Game over." I wrote off temple marriage as a pipe dream, something I'd never have. Countless times I'd regretfully open my scriptures to the last few pages before the back cover and, with a heavy heart, read over my Patriarchal Blessing, and see where I could be if only I had followed the commandments, listened to the Holy Spirit to keep me strong in the face of temptation, and relied on my Savior to help shoulder my burdens. Eventually the shame was so much, I stopped opening my scriptures. Soon after, I stopped praying. The Holy Spirit was gone. I was all alone.

The journey back has not been an easy one, but I'm getting there. I'm taking the appropriate steps to ensure that someday, I will be worthy to enter through those hallowed doors, hand in hand with my future Eternal Companion. Oh, the adventures to come are much more inspiring than ever before.

Once upon a time, not long ago...

Wendy Darling: My unfulfilled ambition is to write a great novel in three parts about my adventures.
Aunt Millicent: What adventures?
Wendy Darling: I've yet to have them, but they will be perfectly thrilling.

Well, I can't say that it is my great ambition is to write a novel in three parts about my adventures, but it certainly is time to begin recording them. My adventures began the day I ended my old life and started my new one. I can't recall the exact date, but it was a bright, pleasant day in October. The sun was shining warm and bright, the billowy clouds drifted across the powder blue sky. The placid serenity was, sadly, not echoed in my soul. I gazed upon the wafting clouds and pondered.. "What am I doing? Where am I going? When did I veer so far off track and get to this point?" Things in my life were less than ideal. It seemed my life was made up of tendrils of Devil's Snare - (yes, I did just make a Harry Potter reference.) one tendril being the lackluster relationship I was entangled in, another tendril my career choice, with it's baffling standards for children and pointless edicts being handed down regarding my approach to the tasks at hand (the only high point being the smiles on my wonderful students faces and the encouragement of a few sincere friends.) The following tendril being the absence of scriptures, prayer, church meetings and, the Holy Ghost in my life, bringing with it the influence of less than wholesome activities and their sway on me.

As I look up into the clear blue sky, tears began to slide down my face. I chastised myself; "Where did the last 7 years go? Where did I GO the last 7 years? What in the world have I been doing?" I sent up a silent prayer, something I hadn't done in a very long while. I didn't know exactly how to get back on the right path, but I knew how to begin. I drove. The 15 minute ride seemed like hours crawling by, but I knew it had to be done. I crept into the house I shared with my (then) fiance and his family, and tearfully began to round up my personal belongings. I picked up a large box and began depositing my worldly belongings. Picture frame, yes. Cat toys, no. Clothing, yes. Jewelry, yes. Books, no. The process went on in this fashion for another 30 minutes, all the while my sweet, curious kitten Jasper loitering around the edge of the box, cocking his head to the side as if to say "What are you doing mama?"

The boxes containing my accouterments were stacked thoughtfully in the back of my truck; it was time for a final sweep of the room. As I looked dejectedly across my former living quarters, I felt a gentle push on my hand. Turning to the side, I was met by the wide, inquisitive, green eyes of my kitten Jasper. He mischievously nipped at my fingers, his favorite game to play. I slumped down to my bed, and scooped him up to say my final goodbyes. The emotions that rocked my soul came as a surprise - why was I having so much more intense feelings of sadness and loss in regards to this kitten than the person I spent 7 years building a life with? As distressed as I was, I knew I was on the right path. I gave Jasper one last scratch behind the ears, a feline greenie (his favorite treat) and slipped out of the house, just as quietly as I had slipped in 7 years prior.

The remainder of the day was spent wringing my hands while listening to comforting and encouraging words from family members. "You're doing the right thing, here." "This is for the best." "There are other fish in the sea." "We're here for you Nick - don't forget that." My mom did her best to alleviate my apprehension by reminding me of all the doors to new adventures that would soon be open to me.

The time finally came - to take the final step and escape the windy tendril of the Devil's Snare that was the relationship I was entrapped in. The ring was returned, words were exchanged (not all of them pleasant) and ways were parted. And I was free to heal, and start on my new adventures.