Hope.

Why is it so easy to have hope, until you really need to have hope? Maybe I should clarify on that one. When things are going well, you're living the gospel, following the commandments, and everything is going swimmingly, it seems to be easier to have hope. You feel like, "I'm doing my part, now everything could go well for me." It often does. You could be blessed with an awesome job, great friends, and amazing boyfriend - things just tend to go right. Hope is easy to have. You hope for marriage, family, continued blessings from Heavenly Father, and it seems that those things will happen, that it's just around the corner. Not sure how far the corner is, but there's the hope also, that the corner isn't far away. But then something happens and things go downhill. Hope seems harder to have. Ideals may be compromised, or things just seem to not be going right, and you feel almost like you aren't able to have hope. I'm sure that's Satan having a field day with your emotions and feelings, but it's hard to not feel like hope isn't something you can have. I didn't realize I was in that state of mind until last night, when the opinions of someone who I think very highly of called me out. It was called to my attention that I didn't have any hope. This person said to me, that not having hope is like not trusting in Heavenly Father, not trusting that he will work it all out. He has a reason for everything. We may not know the reason, but there is always a reason.
My hope was gone. I expressed worry that I would lose my job, financial aid (and schooling) and apartment. That my knee wouldn't heal. That the one I love didn't love me anymore. All the fears I'd pushed away for faith in hope had come right out from under the rug I'd put them under. I didn't have these fears, because hope took their place. I hoped that work and school would continue to go well. That love would be enough and everything would go well. That my faith in Heavenly Father and his love would make these things possible. Every thing on this list was not decided on lightly, each were taken into prayerful consideration. I know that these are all of the things I should include in my life. Somewhere along the line, I started forgetting to do the things I should be doing. "As we strive to live the gospel, we grow in our ability to "abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost" (Romans 15:13)." I was living the gospel. I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, remembering to do the things I should be doing, like paying attention in church and allowing the Spirit to teach me. Somewhere along the way, things got jumbled. Priorities were shifted. Scripture study was happening less and less. Prayers were being said in the car, but not morning and night. Church activities were and are a thing of the past, since school now takes up the time once allotted for that. Church was being faithfully attended, but lessons from the Spirit were becoming sketchy.
The first Sunday of this month, The Spirit was especially strong with me in church. As I sat in Sacrament Meeting, my palms began to sweat. My heart began to beat harder. My chest tightened, as I felt the familiar prompting of the Spirit to get up and say SOMETHING. I sat and thought, "Oh, I know that feeling.... I used to be guided by that feeling on a daily basis. I'm glad it's back. But what to say? What needs to be said?" I still didn't know, but before I knew it, I rose to bear my testimony. I walked to the podium, realizing that it was my first Testimony borne in church since I'd returned to the standards and life I once loved. I forewarned my Brothers and Sisters as I arrived at the stand, that I had no idea what to say, but the Spirit would be letting me know what to say. From there, I let the Spirit tell me what to say. I bore testimony of the Atonement and repentance and my thankfulness for it. Heavenly Father is always there, arms open and waiting for us to come and ask for help, all we need to do is say the word. I don't quite remember everything I said, but I knew it to be true. I know that I felt the Spirit strong in my heart. Hope was present.
Now why is hope so difficult to have when it's most needed? When things look their bleakest, why is it so hard to have hope that they'll get better? These are most often the times where Heavenly Father is teaching us something, maybe to have hope? I'm supposed to learn something from all of this. Maybe to slow down and remember my baptismal covenants? Maybe to rearrange my priorities and make more time for my life? Maybe to have hope in the face of adversity? I'm not quite sure right now, but I hope I'll know soon. Heh. Hope. Shining when it's most needed.