"I Never Said it Would be Easy, I Only Said it Would Be Worth It."

Today I realized something. This was not a subtle realization. This was not even a sudden awareness. This was a full blown sucker punch to the stomach, double over in pain epiphany.

Joanie and I enjoyed a wonderful day together today. We ran errands, hung out, did fun sister things. We caught up on the goings-on in each of our lives. Her calling, my boyfriend, her cat, my job, our family, etcetera. On our way back from our last errand, we came through Oakland. "Ooh, sissy, can we stop by the Temple?" I inquired with a loud note of excitement trilling in my voice. "Do you even have to ask?" she replied with a smile. Excellent. I always love to see the Temple. Every problem, issue, task, minor annoyance or thought just drifts away. We came through the gates of the Temple and I inhaled quickly to catch my breath. The very sight of the Temple always takes my breath away. Sissy parked the car and I jumped out excitedly. We pulled on our sweaters and coats to protect against the chilly Spring breeze, then took in the amazing view of the Bay. Sissy couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of the horizon. We entered the Visitor's Center with smiles on our faces and were greeted by the Sister Missionaries. We chatted for a few minutes, then were invited to see the new Book of Mormon paintings on display. I can't describe how the scriptures came alive looking at those paintings. It was really quite amazing.

Joanie and I took our time wandering around the Visitor's Center, enjoying the calming presence of the Spirit. We scrolled through pictures of the Temple's of the world and swapped Temple stories. We made plans to visit Temples in the surrounding area. Next we strolled over to the photos of the interior of the Temple Rooms. I felt the Spirit touch my heart as I looked at each photo, the Spirit getting stronger as I moved from one picture to the next. I stopped at the photo of the Celestial Room. I couldn't help but think about Temple Ordinances. My heart made a wish that I care not to share. The Spirit reassured me in that moment. The feeling was like a hug, just for my heart. With the thought still on my mind, Joanie and I left the Visitor's Center to go to the Terrace.

The cool breeze swept our hair up as we pushed open the doors of the Visitor's Center and strolled over to the Temple, continuing our conversation. Our exchange quickly moved in the direction of my thoughts from inside the Visitor's Center. We discussed Temple Ordinances. I didn't say much, only listened, and she said exactly what I needed to hear - which reaffirmed my unwavering desire to enter he Temple and take part in these Sacred Ordinances. After our talk, I couldn't help but dwell on my standing in the church, and how I came to that point.

My repentance process is going well. Slowly but surely, I'm making things right, I prayed to Heavenly Father for a very long time, with a broken heart to "blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." (Psalms 51:1-2) and I know that I've been forgiven for my transgressions. I felt the pain for those sins wash away. I feel to this day as though I was in an unbearable night terror, and now I lie awake thanking my Heavenly Father that it's over, counting my blessings that it was just a nightmare.

As we drove back toward Hayward, I felt the tumult rise in my thoughts. The feeling intensified as I searched my mind to find the source of this odd sensation. I felt the Spirit in my heart, but something was off. I knew the feelings went together, but I wan't quite sure how. Then it hit me. That sucker punch feeling made my stomach churn and my head ache. I may have repented for my sins and felt the agony for putting my dear Savior through the pain for those awful decisions I made, but I'm not yet whole. The consequences of those actions are now upon me. I can not yet enter into the Holy Temple. I cannot yet receive my Endowment. Heavenly Father is giving me this "cooling off period" before being able take part in these Sacred Ordinances for a special reason. I have lessons to learn still. I know for sure that once the day I am able to enter the Temple with my head held high, my sins "as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18) I will appreciate it that much more for how hard I am working for it now. "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?" (Alma 5:14) I will be able to answer Alma's call to action with a resounding "YES."